Most Clueless Job Offer Of All Time

Okay. I'm going to share a little secret with you. If you are ever in the mood for a good laugh, goto Guru.com and subscribe to their job offer service. I get about 10 emails a week with various contract opportunities. It is kind of like subscribing to a joke newsletter if you will. Most are just "kind of" funny, where the person wants 500 things but needs it by tomorrow... But occasionally I stumble upon a real gem. The following is one of these rare gems quoted from my inbox. It is a tad long, so if you don't have the time, feel free to skim and jump to the bottom for the punchline... =)

One thing to keep in mind, the client is requesting this all be custom programming, no open-source as a starting point...

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Profile ID: XXXXXX matches...
Title: Webshop + Forum in JAVA
Project ID: XXXXX

Category: Programming / Software / Database Development
Description:

Hello Coders!
I need help making a webshop coded in JAVA.

The functions I need are:

1. Should be able to choose from admin what content is to be shown on the first page like a front page with featured/most popular products (should be able to add or remove these and choose which ones from admin).
2. Admin area for all functions (must be easy to manage) with different admin users which has individual access to predefined parts of the admin area, like access levels.
3. Big Category images (changeable through admin).
4. Big welcome image on first page (change/disable from admin).
5. When you click an image you should be sent to product description.
6. All products should be in boxes except in 2nd depth categories where they should be listed, and all boxes should have a buy now and an info button. All boxes must have the same size.
7. Product boxes should be 2 per row, but in 1st depth categories it should be 1 long product box per row.
8. Flash logo linked to "home".
9. "Related products" and cross selling.
10. Different options to choose from for each product. For example: A bracelet with a dropdown menu in which the customer can choose the product in silver or gold with different prices for different options.
11. WYSIWYG editing of product description and all other text
12. We should be able to set a total text value in admin and when a product description (or any text) is cut off it should automatcally be “…” behind the cutoff text to indicate that you need to click “more info” to see the rest.
13. Ability to sell a service and the customer should be able to choose/book an appointment to when he/she should receive the service from a calendar in which available dates and times are shown. We should from admin be able to set availabe time for these services. Customer should be able to choose a time to submit his/her product for the
service and another time for when to pick up the product after the service is completed. We should from admin be able to set timeframes for services as well.
14. Possibility for customers to write reviews on products that is to be shown under the product description, like on www.gents.se and we should be able to disable this entire function (with all related buttons) from admin. All reviews must be approved from admin before they are shown in the shop.
15. A good affiliate system with tier levels. Affiliates should be able to distribute their referralcode which should be associated with an individual discount for the buyers (individual for the specific affiliate and we must be able to set the discounts from admin) and a percentage earning of the profit in the sale for the affiliate. Affiliates should be able to select banners for placing on their websites and we need to be able to add or remove banners easily from admin. They should also be able to link to specific products and/or the the entire store. There should be affiliate statistics and reports for payments, clickthroughs, sales, earnings and they should be daily/weekly/monthly/yearly and there should be an affiliate summary page with all nessecary information.
16. Must be totally multilingual and must work with all languages (all text and buttons and if possible should the text on the buttons be changed from language files).
17. Forum (same functions as phpbb plus the ability to upload pictures) that is to be implemented in the webshop and is to cover left column but not header, tabs or footer.
18. Banner fields and we must be able to set sizes for banners individually.
19. Easy to change, remove and add Information pages and we should easily be able to add pictures and text to these.
20. We should be able to easily choose to show or hide any box from admin.


... (Okay, there are 63 requirements... I'll won't bore you will ALL of them... so let's just jump to #32)


32. Ability to send designed newsletters with HTML and other emails from admin to all or a list of users.
33. Daily/Weekly/Monthly/Yearly store reports (orders/customers/tax/profit/sales total etc.).
34. Serial numbers for every sold product (shown on customers receipt and in admin area).
35. Searchfield in admin area for customers/order numbers/return numbers/serial numbers/ order info/ customer info and such.
36. Free Live Chat system with different admin types (sales, support etc.).
37. Must be able to add new orders and customers in adminarea and also change existing orders, delete orders, and add products to orders.
38. Templates to change entire look, feel and layout of the store from admin. Templates are for the whole site including admin area. Must be easy to add or remove templates from admin. Create an extra standard template with instructions on how to install/create new ones and use it as number 2 selectable from admin.
39. Central area should be zoomable like the workspace in Microsoft Word 2007.
40. Payment modules for PayPal, Dibs, Credit cards, Cash in store (when local pickup is chosen) , Online Bank Transfer for scandinavian banks. Easy to add new payment modules.


... (Almost there! Let's jump to #51)


51. Order numbers should be the date and number like "20070207-001", "20070207-002", "20070208-001", "20070208-002", "20070208-003".
52. Sitemap.
53. "Site down for maintenance" function
54. Easy to edit, remove and add language files/languages through admin.
55. Flags to change between languages and currencies should be automatically shown on the site for new languages.
56. We want to have tabs for pages and the tabs are to graphically change when mouseovered or clicked. We must be able to add, change or remove tabs easily from admin. Should look like the tabs in Microsoft Word 2007 in the top.
57. Must be able to change sizes and layout of EVERYTHING on the site easily from admin. (boxes, positions, banners, images etc.)
58. All functions and modules must be easy to fully disable through admin. For example, ability to disable all buy now buttons, all tabs, the forum, or just a selection of things.
59. Must be compatible with both server settings "PHP Safe mode = on/off" and "register_globals = on/off" and most other common server settings
60. Must be able to add tax-classes and they are to appear in reports and in order totals. Customer should be able to choose if they want prices including tax or without.
61. Search Engine Optimization (SEO) with a SEO controlpanel in the admin area.
62. Copy-protect the shop so that only I can make copies and if someone else tries to make a copy of the shop (or if it’s done wrong) it becomes unusable.
63. I will own the shop/code/design/database and everything else made in this project after completion and the programmer cannot use this solution for any other project without my written approval.


... (And lastly.. the client lays down the ground rules for the project... )


After we agree on price, timeframe, warranty and such you will make a contract specifying all features, designs and everything else important.

You can start working when I deliver the digitally signed contract back.

After I have awarded the project I must be able to have daily contact with the programmer preferably through IM.

Programmer must make the shop work on our server in the end.

Make the design in Microsoft Word 2007 style, with tabs on the top, logo below to the left and cart below to the right, left column( with categories, searchfield, loginbox for all users, infobox), zoomable central area like the workarea in Microsoft Word 2007, and below all a footer with a few links and our copyright text. Box everything up in the same style as in Microsoft Word 2007 and use the same colors.

I PAY NOTHING IN ADVANCE. I will pay half when project is done and the last half when project is delivered and working on our server.

Give me reference samples from earlier work.

Please specify the warranty provided for the work you do.

We want a shop custom-built. Not an oscommerce or anything similar. Must be very fast and bug free.

We want this webshop coded in Java.

Give me a complete list of the specifications needed on the server in advance so I can set it up properly.

Programmer must be able to think for himself and make suggestions for functions/layout he think we need.

We want a long business relationship. For the right programmer there’s a bunch of more projects after this one.

Be realistic in your timeframes please... It is important that you keep
your deadlines.

Our budget is $1000 USD. <---- OMG!

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A truely timeless clueless classic... =)